ending on a beginning

everyday i want to be happy. everyday i set out to have a good day and then it seems things start to windup..winddown..however you want to look at it and i can't get my bearings to re-start. it is this simple thing that has changed my world so greatly. i wouldn't dream of quitting, giving up or in, or letting things just go. in my effort to accept that i have no control i have essentially given up the idea of ever holding on, directing or being in charge. i think this is what disappoints my family the most. they are used to a leader, a go getter, and doer, a maker, i have become such the opposite that they are frightened and scared. well today here is what i did that might not sound like much but is...i went to a movie with my sister. i didn't care about i had to leave the 2 year old with the 12 year old, that tim wasn't home just yet, that i hadn't made dinner, anything of that nature. i just went and saw a movie stuffed my face with popcorn and candy and laughed. this doesn't mean i am not having those "thoughts", i want to do it with my husband and family...see a movie...etc., etc., but it is a start to beginning things on my own. i want to be strong again, dependable, the rock, the corner, a wife, a mother, a person. i am going to do this somehow. i will show my husband that i am the woman he loves and always willl, i will show my daughters that i am a mother and a good one. i will.

a while

so it has been awhile. i figure if i don't look at these things, answer emails, get the mail, nothing bad will happen. wrong. tim can't take it...me anymore. i figured. i know. the hard part is now i have no one....really. i had him...barely, but he says he is sleeping on the couch and only talk to hm with something nice. i know come on you have to have something nice right? i do!!! tons!!! but he doen'st want that either because it leads to bad he says. i can't blame him, no one can, no one has dealt with this like he has. the kids yes...but to my credit...i pull it off...i have too. i am a mom...case in point...think of the last time you were throwing up....did you get to stay in bed? nope. i threw up with a toddler jumping on my back. i had diarreah...remember this is a blog...in a pbulic place...it wasn't the kind i could stop...i had to grab the baby shove her in the car seat, grab a diaper...thank god i had that, and ride the 20 minutes home from westlake, crying and humiliated. no i don't get a man's world where someone takes care of me or has or will, i didn't sighn up for it, but i wouldl like some one to be nice when they get it from me. just nice.

so what do i do? make myself happy they say..how???all i have asked for is time with my husband and that isn't oging to happen. i want this stupid trial over, that isn't going to happen i want a job...that is n't likely....i don't know...how to make myself happy...butdoing what everyone says is'nt easy with a 2 year old and no husband...so again, i am knocked back.

hanging in there

i know i have said it, i know people pretend to listen, but i wish someone would hear. i am dealing with 3 different court cases because of the shooting in my class. I have to sue the workman's comp. company that the district uses because they think i am a pschyo and my issues since the shooting were mine, not theirs. I am being sued by larry's parents, funny...wasn't he in foster care? wasn't i back from maternity leave all of 3 weeks and had brandon in my class less than 2?...and lets not forget that coming up on july 8th is yet another "something" for brandon's trial. I try to hold it together and look normal during all these things...isn't that what we are supposed to do?...rememeber you don't air your personal shit...funny mine was aired for me. but i will admit, this shit fucks me up for at least a week after i hit a courtroom. i continuously feel like I am trying to prove myself as a capable, normal, person, and yet...yea this shit has me dying inside. my family can't relate andn they don't want too anymore. again, i can't begin to explain the isolation, loneliess, and frustration trying to communicate, and hold things in.

I applied for some jobs last week. that was humiliating and confusing. i can't get all my shit together...i can't figure out what i can do...i have been teaching for so long i just don't know any more what i am capable of and according to everyone i am not capable of that. i don't have anyone in my corner...no one...if they say they are they are there with a purchased ticket sitting on the edge with a foot out the door so they have no "responsiblity" or tie to me. Yep, no one would want to be in my place ever....and yet no one can even stand next to me while i am in it.

i started a facebook page. i did so to communicate more with my husband. he has long hours and doesn't seem to talk to me anymore. I did it because i am lonely. the first day i started it it wAS great. it is a funny sense of companionship. it is like you are there with them...but slowly it is setting in..you aren't and you still aren't really talking with anyone. it is all superficial crap. and as i look at parties and people...it really is all superficial crap...people just talking about memories, say yea lets do that...and they dont. i want my fucking blindfold back.
""

things

i am applying for a job. one, it doesn't seem like a big deal but look at it realistically...i had a job. i keep dreading that one question...why did you leave your previous employer? i didn't they left me. i am trying one of those stupid facebook things. tim is so busy he doesn't talk about things with me. i found out more about him on that thing in a few minutes than i have in months. it is killing me but he is right...i wanted the job for stability and thank god he has it. it is an income and it does help with insurance.

i have been extremely depressed lately. i keep looking at my children thinking of how much fun their lives used to be. how i loved enjoying things with them. now i am simply scared that if i participate in someway i will ruin it all...goes for tim, but he has pretty much taken off on his own to find things that are fun. i don't blame him, that isn't a bad thing it is good..who am i to hold him back.

i can't talk about the shit in my head. no one can handle it, they just can't. i hate however that it slips out and it is litterally like making yourself run a lap to hold onto my sanity at times. it is a physical fight, n ot mental.

thesee are ppictures from the cruise. it was very much needed, but i had extreme panic attacks the night before coming to port. it was awful. the panic attacks have been intense lately and they are every morning...i hate sleeping..because you always have to wake up

up

i went and saw the movie up tonight. it was wonderful. a great kid movie with just enough adult humor to keep me interested. it is these kid movies that have me going back thinking of my oldest and seeing the lion king over 20 times at the theater because she LOVED it. I was hooked from that time on. watching your kids love movies is one of my favorite memories. i know i have said it, i love movies, but i really think it is beyond that. i love the theater and watching a movie. i have only great memories from disney studios when my dad worked there to my aunt taking me to the matinee for film festivals to remembering star wars with my dad, et with my cousins and staying at my nanas, they were always good!

so right now i am happy. i want to stay this way. i know a panic attack is coming. tomorrow is monday. i have to count hours till tim comes home, and i have to figure out how to get to friday when he is home for 2 days...unless there is work.

i have a goal this week, since watching my classroom come apart in pieces...i want to fill out one application, a full one somewhere i am just so scared as to where. i also want to begin filing my grievance with the union. too bad i cant file a greivance against the union. oh well.

we shall see

it is a mess

so i have felt the depression coming and i have been doing everything possible to stop it. my husband doesn't believe it. i ruined a friends bday party with drunken fits etc., it could have been worse but it wasn
't too bad. the bottom of this? i can't fix my marriage. this thiing is killing me inside everything i do is related to it and i have no control, but no one believes that as i was a pretty damn in control person before.

i try to give up everyday...say i wont let it get me i love my kids and husbad that is enough but it isn't. i have the evil scrma telling me they wont pay or help because i have issues that aren't related to the shooting. my husband thinks the counseling is worthless, not working and i am having sex with the therapsit. i don't talk to anyone about all my shit and it explodes to the point where i am killing everyone around me.

my head is so jumbled with things i can't get it straight. i just know i don't want to be here. i know washing dishes and clothes is onlyy worth it if my husband loves me and today he said....i don't like you anymore i don't care what you do.

my heart is breaking inside it is. it is a weight i don't want to feel. my kids? they hate me, they are embarassed by me i look at my oldest i ruined her life i simply ruined everthing. tim is right i don't see anytingn good who would want to be with someone like that? and on the other side...ihave to get the kids to their summer shit...i am compeled to do it...but i don't want tooo.......

it is a mess it is a mess it is a mess

what do i have in common with the matrix?

so here it is...i am in a world where things happen, i am there to see it, sometimes i actually feel things when doing them, and then there is this other world where things happen and i don't feel anything. they are the same place, they take up the same space and time, but when and if i am in one vs the other who knows. i don't like feeling anything. i don't even like to feel good things...negative nancy my family calls me...i realize though...with good feelings will come bad. there is always an equal and opposite reaction to every action...right? i know how awful for my family to have to deal with this attitude huh? trust me...i cry everyday over what they are going through...hence I do the shopping,drive, go to gymboree, listen when they talk, but i am not really there. i force a smile and try with everything to show interest for them.

i am dying inside over losing my job, my world, my classroom. i need to get my stuff out but i can't go there. i can't. i have things that i want, pictures, cards, that my family has given me...silly things you know...i am not brave enough to go get them. i am so scared right now.

this blog thing is hard for me. i don't know if i panic from having been in a computer lab the day of the shooting or if it is i am just scared . i don't look at comments because i am scared. scared that yes my problem is here and people feel bad but the reality is i have to fix it and i don't know if i can.

i want to leave so often. to go away and stop hurting those around me. and then i think of the hurt my daughters would feel from the loss...and today i realized that is what i have been dealing with too...a loss...obviously the job, my friends, my family, etc., etc., but the black and white of the loss is a life was lost in front of me...it is gone, he can't wear makeup anymore...so fuck everyone who had the issue...he can't do it now...so your problem is solved...and the other one? he won't sit in a class and do nothing anymore to annoy anybody...lets continue focusing on what is important...budgets, test scores, and tucking in shirts.

i am hurt i wasn't even invited to what i used to be a part of. i guess i am realizing i thought more of myself than i should have. my mother warned me about that. she taught me early..."what makes you think anyone is looking at you or is concerned with you?"...

back and forth

so today i had a workmans comp hearing. they are saying they want to settle, funny thing is i never ever wanted or had any idea about how workmans comp works, that is till they decided to say your problems are not related to watching one of your students shoot the other in the head. they being these people who sit in an office pushing paper work that are supposed to help you but really want you the hell out of the way as quickly and cheaply as possible. they being the lawyer tellingn me my future and family, my suffering is worth approximately 100 grand to them as she scoots off in her bmw 740...yeah whatever i know they don't care and the quicker i get that into my head the easier but it isn't that easy. rememb er i planned my future around my job. i planned my children's future around my job which now i am too scared to deal with, cant get my thoughts straight, feel like an outcast at my school...a bad memory...a symbol of tragedy...oh...and find a new occupation? try to find a teaching job in californina right now...just try...i believe i was wrongfully terminated and the union i have paid good money to will do nothing...we can't do anything...really? i would be in my classroom if i wasn't the teacher in the room. i have enough senority and tenure to know that! so what do i do now? just try to survive. try to relax after another court day...be it for brandon, larry's parents suing me, or stupid ass workmans comp. i feel for students and parents and teachers, the classroom isn't any safer since that shooting. nothing has been done to improve anything, education or saftey, but money has been taken away, teachers are losing their jobs, lives are still being destroyed.

it takes at least 2

so i think and think what am i doing wrong, it seems i am doing something wrong, no matter what I am the one that has the problem and therefore i must be the one doing it wrong. i can't stay positive, i can't enjoy something easy like a cruise, i loook at my daughters and see only how i have fucked up, my husband clearly wants nothing to do with me, even workmans comp thinks it is me...i mean obviously it must be me, all normal people go through shootings very well, in fact they do things to help others from their tragedy...in fact how selfish...it wasn't my tragedy it was larry's, brandon's, their families and the children's so get the fuck over it already. i would, i would if people still didn't look at me weird or knowlingly expect to keep the conversation away from anythinng to do with the shooting...but inevitably they ask, what do you do...i try to steer away..it embarasses my family now

and so ittakes 2, 2 completely different people although we are one. i expect all these episodes i am having have to do with trying to get rid of one and ignore it...the one with the memories, the scared one, the fucked up can't get it straight one, the one that my family hates, my husband says embarasses him, the one my 11 year old cries for.

i have to work hard for that other one, she is holding herself up, her family and the dead one that isn't so dead...i suppose just sick. it is a lot for her i know, i can feel it. i have to figure out a way to help her deal with problems because she isn't supposed to have any, she isn't supposed to deal with them.

today

i have this thing where i get scared to look at my computer. i am not sure why but it happens. i think it has to do with bad news. i just can't handle bad news and nothing good ever seems to come from the entities supposedly helping me...ie teacher union, unemployment, disability, workmans comp. hence why it has been so long since i have written or posted. i also dont think it truly matters...no body actually reads this anyway. i quit school my creative writing class, i stopped my application to csuci i simply have given up. trying to find a job seems impossible. how can i find a ajob when i am a teacher? that is what i do? people ask what is your dream job? duh....it was teaching hence all the work to accomplish the credential, the masters, the clad, etc., etc., sooooowhat do i do now? really?

we leave for a cuise on monday. it is my first real vacation but not with the whole family. i wish but it seems impossible with the kids. tim, kennedy and i are going. i need the break from the baaby. i can't wait!!!!!! i am a little nervous as i have this feeling it is alot like a casino, but hopefully not.

people just dont get this

i have to say i understand how people don't get me and my issues. i really do. it isn't everyday you deal with something like a murder in front of you. i know people don't get why i break down everytime i hear a siren and think it is my daughter brooke. what is worse is that i don't want anyone to ever get it so i hold it in. people say you can't hold things in, they eat at you and it comes out in bad ways...i guess that is true. my husband says so and i believe him. he has to deal with me, and then there is the me with the gun shots. i want the gun shots to go away more than anyone trust me, i want to go to a job where i sit and mindlessly input numbers or something, or a happy job where you pretend that everyone looks great in their outfits. i am terrified to return to a job where i have an outcome on futures, look what happened to larry and brandon's future. look at the children who have ended up killed and we don't know, pregnant, in a gang, homeless, strung out on drugs, i know this is the majority not minority at my old job.

i haven't written because my episodes have been very bad. my husband wants to go away and i can't blame hiim,, i would too. i just want someone to love me and tell me these awful things wont happen and then they really wont.

i didn't have a great mothers day. yes i am blessed to be a mother. i have wonderful children and that is where it should end. i got a power point from my 11 year old and several happy mothers day, it hurts when you realize you reap what you sew. i haven't sewed like a great mother and my mother's day proved it. i know the world will reap the benefits of my children in it, not because of me personally, but because of all the others who picked up my slack and there is a ton of it.

brooke is going to cif! i am so proud of her she has worked at that since 3rd grade and is having a super time her senior year i hope. she doesn't talk to me anymore really and i am scared to bother her, she just might tell me i suck as a mother. they all might, so i don't say anything, i just watch and try to keep the laundry done and food around...at least i still bring in some income.

i am hoping these stupid things start to say nice things. my dog got out today.. i truly believed i wouldn't see him again, he is tagged and chipped but he is impossible to catch. i found him and when i opened the door to the car and called he hopped in. that was a happpy thing. my friend kyle said yes i am crazy but my husband still loves me...he would have to to still be here...that actually made sense and made me smile too. langston likes tampons. not dirty ones...clean ones..trying to get that string back in the little thing amazes her! wait till she finds out what the heck they are really for!

workmans comp? not for the worker!

so this whole thing I have been going through gets more depressing when you start to think and realize the "system" that teachers, union reps, the district, said to use is actually screwing me in the ass and hard. they have been doing it since day one. I filed my claim in March as a matter of precaution, not because I thought It was necessary but since the district and union people said to i did. I got my little paper to get a general look over in april and then a request was sent on and I got to see my first workmans comp therapist in June!!! now you tell me...if I had waited for the system do you think march to june is normal for waiting to deal with your PTSD? especially since the district kept refusing to help the students who wanted counseling and I couldn't take watching it anymore and had to leave....so now...i am home...basically sitting on my bed doing nothing. well that therapist was weird!! a dr. rubienstein...he freaked me out and I called Lee Cribben...SCRMA's jewel...NOT!!! and she said please try to make it work with him. is she medically qualified? doubt it...she is great at saying you have a lawyer i can't talk to you...BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!! SHE IS A FUCKING BITCH!!!!!! sooooo moving on...after a few incindents...suicide attempts...lee and her buddies at scrma felt that the medical issues were mine and not related to watching a student blow anothers head off...HMMMMMMM these people are fabulous huh? it was then....then...that i had to get a lawyer...would i have gotten one? doubt it...i still don't even understand how all this crap works...i heard someone mention 3 years ...but had no intention of three years...when i went to go back to work I was "terminated"...so how do I ever get back to teaching? can you see the interviews now? why did you leave your last job?...what a charmer that one is going to be!!!

so today I needed a name and a address as I am supposed to send a written dispute to scrma because they in all their wisdom...these 2 drs, in nevada...decideded I am all better and don't need further treatment....hmmmi am thinking I need treatment just to deal with SCRMA at this point.

and so Lee Cribben called me saying she wouldn't give me the name or address...as this letter clearly states I need, but doesn't have the information on it..and trust me..these people will use it against you if you piss wrong....so sending the letter to the wrong person? the wrong address...they would love it...

remember good old HUENSD is represented by these people...they know all this is happening...they are the ones who said...NO JOB!!! and they really don't give a shit...neither does the union...they are hands in the air....too bad...its all in the contract.....

so whatever. i hope no one ever really needs workmans comp. i thought i did and it would help, they have made this experience more stressful, more embarrassing, and more humilating than i ever thought it could be. and people wonder why i decided to shut up...it is because no one listens and they only have their rules for me to follow...so my input isn't necessary...actually according to scrma...i am not necessary.

a second

the past few days have been busy and somewhat yucky, hence my silence. it is times like this that i don't want people to know how i feel. the saddness is so overwhelming that nothing makes it better and people get frustrated, you know..."get over it already?" i have learned that not saying anything helps others. i saw Brandon at court. he was in a cage with a ton of other adult bad guys. the courtroom was full of lawyers, prosecuters, family, a mess. it was confusing and disorderly, in fact if you saw it you would think someone would get fired, it doesn't look very professional at all. he smiled at jill and i. i couldn't help thinking who is there for him? just like a teacher would...and then i realized i am not a teacher anymore and probably will never be again. i don't think i can be anything actually. when you are at the mercy of several systems you tend to listen to what they tell you, when you can't get your brain going you let others fill it, it seems i agree with what alot of them are saying.

my cruise is in a less than 2 weeks and i can't get a birth certificate or a passport. oh well. maybe my daughter can go in my place. she deserves it. tim said we wouldn't have a good time anyway. if i didn't go it ups the percentage of a good time.

i keep telling people things and nobody listens, or rather noone wants to help really. so i have stopped talking.

a minute...

something i have learned...hmmm that means mastery doesn't it...am aware of and tyring to practice is the idea that to every evil there is a good. this might sound backwards, but trust me it isn't. i started down a very black and bleak road understandably i would hope...but couldn't seem to deviate from it. in fact i knew that it existed but matter of factly stated that i was ignoring it. i tried that dr laura thing...put your marriage and kids first...focus....but under it all was torture. it still is, but somewhere...at some point a bit of the black turned to grey. i am not saying its all good...things happen like your termination letter, your workmans comp provider saying your issues are your issues we aren't paying for anything, etc., and it sets me back. to a point where i barely function again and it takes all i have to get my children to school, fed diapered..screw a shower...who is going to see me anyway? but my point is this...i realize that with those negative things come positive things. with my baby being sick and not sleeping...hey i am home and don't have to create an emergency sub plan, my house is under construction my baby can't take naps from the banging...but i am going to have a normal looking house...long coming...and that makes my husband happy, who is in a full time job...his first what i call office job, a move because of the shooting, and doing super! i have to admit he is amazing. actually i knew he would be, he has been at his job and in the industry too long to suck...he is also too intelligent to truly fail...he just enjoys being lazy. so yes, i have to work at finding the good everyday, but it is something i find myself trying to do more often and wanting to stay focused there as long as possible.

a happy moment

my happy moments are far a few between. trust me i have a ton of people telling me constantly all that i have to be thankful for and when i am in the middle of one of my "episodes" as we call them...and they are frequent...though not like last fall...and though they can last days...i do in the middle stop to think of my family...they are beautiful, healthy, and loving...bottom line...good things happen everyday, i just am one of those people who really has to focus on the one or several that did...it is an actual action for me and i hope someday a reaction, an instinct...anyway today the housekeepers came. now i realize you are going to hear me bitching about money..no job...being on disability etc., and wondering...a housekeeper??? well hold on now...I have never ever had one...for years i worked, took care of the kids, mowed the lawn, paid the bills, did the car pool thing and still had the bacon frying in the pan...i felt complete guilt having someone do what i could..but funny enough i couldn't...i couldn't get on top of the cleaning and all i could see was depressing yucky unclean fog....but then this lady, maribelle and her crew of 3 came and in literally 3 hours...95 dollars later...i have that smell...like the one you love when you walk into your hotel room and know someone magically made your bed and cleaned your shower? it is here and i love it. housekeepers are gods gift to mothers...if a man wanted to truly do something kind for his wife..he would hire a housekeeper and not let her in on it...she would tell him no..etc, etc., but secretly when she came home and saw? she would smile and it wouldn't go away!!! it is just like me now!!!! so here is a bit of happiness, because trust me..the dark side is powerful around here and my silly light saber isn't working..silly metaphor but whatever...this is my journal!!!!!!

how do you think of titles?

so far this thing seems cool. i am concerned about someone coming after me if i make "reference" to or even my job repercussions. bascially the way my job works at this point god only knows. there should also be the disclaimer that while yes i am an english major i look at email and blogging as normal, stream of line, talk...so any grammer issues...do not log on again...i am not editing for anyone at this time. god knows i have edited many a students paper in my day and when i need to send that "important" letter i will edit!...

i had lunch with a good friend today and talked about my kids, of whom i am extremely worried about the effects of my PTSD on...and have been since the beginning...the bottom line? I have amazing daughters. They are strong, kind, polite, messy, but have good hearts and through this whole thing are trying to come to terms with who they are. an example...they supported the transgender student in my classroom. i liken this to what women have as a sisterhood...we support each other in times of need..you would think or that is what i have taught them, and we looked at my student as having a need and supported him. my oldest who is 17 is very upset and opinionated on her beliefs for the shooters sentence however. this shocks me. i figured that a young person would understand and relate somehow to what ever he was going through at the time, however, her sole arguement is he made a choice, he knew what he was doing. me on the other hand, amid the evil i see posted regularly on him, can't help but see the broader picture. Most of the students I taught had these kind of back grounds and the administration and district often believed as did i it was enough for that kid to show up at school somedays. I think of what goes on at home before my kids make it to school and find myself crying that they pull it off to sit in class, have a teacher belittle them for not having exactly what they asked for, etc., and then continue on with their day. How many teachers know their students are coming to school with a parent in a psch hospital for suicidal tendancies? very few is my guess. I don't want to seem negative to teachers ever...i am one or should i say thanks to HUENSD, "WAS" one, and know what they are up against everyday. I know we are expected to fix what others don't want to, won't or can't and then oh yes...MEET THE F-N standards!!! does anybody really want to comment on standards when I have seen what i have seen? even the teachers union disgusts me. I pay them or did...$100 bucks a month....is any teacher or student safer in their class at HUENSD? no..nothing has been done...nothing was done...nothing will be done because i am a nobody...easily chucked to the side and every teacher who would piss their pants at the sound of a siren at that school wont say boo...because they are afraid they will lose their job just like me...and "TENURED" teacher! all i heard was no one will fire you...you watched a murder in your classroom...really? want to see the "boards" letter notifying me that i was "terminated"...oh wait...in fairness on the 39 mo. re-hire list...this after watching english teacher after english teacher lose their job each year...RIGHT!!! it will be there when i need it? sure....and who is to say i can even get back there? well according to the HUENSD and thier wonderful workman's comp. provider SCRMA...I AM HEALED!!!!! any medical issues or pchy issues i have had...those were mine prior to watching the murder...sorry...deal with it!

I like to vent...whether or not anyone can or does read this..who knows....i have no clue how this works...but maybe someday...i will get feed back...real feedback...not the crap I have gotten since the shooting. People you need to know..."THEY" don't give a shit about your child and their saftey, bottom line it is money..the school is a business and they trade lives for dollars everyday...maybe someday someone with their own money will care and make a difference. I was a teacher...lord knows I couldn't afford to lose my job, but lord knows i didn't ever intend to be gunned out of it either.

a beginning

so i am giving this a whirl. i have tried everything else it seems, at least the traditional means. on february 12, 2007 a student shot and murdered another one in my classroom with myself and 20 some other students watching. what i have learned since that time is that nothing can prepare you to live and deal with the effects of a tragedy like that, nothing. i realize people look at the young man who died and his family as the victims and they are, truly they are, i would never suppose to imagine or try to say i understand. however, there were others in that room and their lives have been deeply affected. Other faculty at the school were adversly affected and are still seeking treatment for the effects of that day, although none want to talk about it, and the district has managed to "terminate" my job and place me on a "re-hire" list...any teachers in ventura county see the crap in that? I also believe that the workmans comp. system is set up to hurt, belittle, and torture anyone unlucky enough to have to try and use it. The teachers union? they have managed to tell me "take care of yourself" and then turn their back and say there is nothing we can do when my job is gone... oh and yes there is still the trial! that has been an eye opener and that is the criminal, my civil is still coming! so, my dr., the only good thing workmans comp gave me suggested blogging. he too sees the way the victims are victimized, forgotten, and tossed aside. simply what has been done is nothing and personally i believe it will happen again, in that very district because they have learned nothing from the incident. they have done nothing to improve the saftey of either teacher or student, but hey...i bet they balanced their budget!