i have to say i understand how people don't get me and my issues. i really do. it isn't everyday you deal with something like a murder in front of you. i know people don't get why i break down everytime i hear a siren and think it is my daughter brooke. what is worse is that i don't want anyone to ever get it so i hold it in. people say you can't hold things in, they eat at you and it comes out in bad ways...i guess that is true. my husband says so and i believe him. he has to deal with me, and then there is the me with the gun shots. i want the gun shots to go away more than anyone trust me, i want to go to a job where i sit and mindlessly input numbers or something, or a happy job where you pretend that everyone looks great in their outfits. i am terrified to return to a job where i have an outcome on futures, look what happened to larry and brandon's future. look at the children who have ended up killed and we don't know, pregnant, in a gang, homeless, strung out on drugs, i know this is the majority not minority at my old job.
i haven't written because my episodes have been very bad. my husband wants to go away and i can't blame hiim,, i would too. i just want someone to love me and tell me these awful things wont happen and then they really wont.
i didn't have a great mothers day. yes i am blessed to be a mother. i have wonderful children and that is where it should end. i got a power point from my 11 year old and several happy mothers day, it hurts when you realize you reap what you sew. i haven't sewed like a great mother and my mother's day proved it. i know the world will reap the benefits of my children in it, not because of me personally, but because of all the others who picked up my slack and there is a ton of it.
brooke is going to cif! i am so proud of her she has worked at that since 3rd grade and is having a super time her senior year i hope. she doesn't talk to me anymore really and i am scared to bother her, she just might tell me i suck as a mother. they all might, so i don't say anything, i just watch and try to keep the laundry done and food around...at least i still bring in some income.
i am hoping these stupid things start to say nice things. my dog got out today.. i truly believed i wouldn't see him again, he is tagged and chipped but he is impossible to catch. i found him and when i opened the door to the car and called he hopped in. that was a happpy thing. my friend kyle said yes i am crazy but my husband still loves me...he would have to to still be here...that actually made sense and made me smile too. langston likes tampons. not dirty ones...clean ones..trying to get that string back in the little thing amazes her! wait till she finds out what the heck they are really for!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Dawn, the saddness you feel oozes from this post, and it makes me hurt so much for you. In a perfect world, no one would know of PTSD and the effects of such emotional trauma. While mine came from something entirely different from yours, I know what it is like to bottle things up and not really talk about it. It's that whole "if we don't talk about it, I can pretend it didn't happen" mentality. If only healing could be so easy. Then maybe I'd be able to drive past the hospital without breaking out in a cold sweat! Actually, there is a street that is about 2 miles from the hospital that can send me in a tailspin--if I let it (which I try very hard to not let it do). I still have to talk myself into driving past that stupid street, after all this time even! I guess I am trying to say through my strange comment here that is that maybe I sort of understand a little of what you are going through. Maybe. Yours is on a whole different scale, but...
ReplyDeleteI thought about what you have said about not wanting to talk, but all you want is to talk. I wonder if your girls feel the same way? I wonder if all they want is to talk to you but don't know how? If wonder if they know how much you want to talk to them? And I don't for one minute think they'd say you are a horrible mother. Because you are so not.
Your dog loves you.
Your friends (especially me) love you.
Your family loves you.
Your girls love you.
Your husband loves you.
You may not want to believe it, but it is true.
Hugs, Dawn. Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs.
Much love,
me