it is a mess

so i have felt the depression coming and i have been doing everything possible to stop it. my husband doesn't believe it. i ruined a friends bday party with drunken fits etc., it could have been worse but it wasn
't too bad. the bottom of this? i can't fix my marriage. this thiing is killing me inside everything i do is related to it and i have no control, but no one believes that as i was a pretty damn in control person before.

i try to give up everyday...say i wont let it get me i love my kids and husbad that is enough but it isn't. i have the evil scrma telling me they wont pay or help because i have issues that aren't related to the shooting. my husband thinks the counseling is worthless, not working and i am having sex with the therapsit. i don't talk to anyone about all my shit and it explodes to the point where i am killing everyone around me.

my head is so jumbled with things i can't get it straight. i just know i don't want to be here. i know washing dishes and clothes is onlyy worth it if my husband loves me and today he said....i don't like you anymore i don't care what you do.

my heart is breaking inside it is. it is a weight i don't want to feel. my kids? they hate me, they are embarassed by me i look at my oldest i ruined her life i simply ruined everthing. tim is right i don't see anytingn good who would want to be with someone like that? and on the other side...ihave to get the kids to their summer shit...i am compeled to do it...but i don't want tooo.......

it is a mess it is a mess it is a mess