things

i am applying for a job. one, it doesn't seem like a big deal but look at it realistically...i had a job. i keep dreading that one question...why did you leave your previous employer? i didn't they left me. i am trying one of those stupid facebook things. tim is so busy he doesn't talk about things with me. i found out more about him on that thing in a few minutes than i have in months. it is killing me but he is right...i wanted the job for stability and thank god he has it. it is an income and it does help with insurance.

i have been extremely depressed lately. i keep looking at my children thinking of how much fun their lives used to be. how i loved enjoying things with them. now i am simply scared that if i participate in someway i will ruin it all...goes for tim, but he has pretty much taken off on his own to find things that are fun. i don't blame him, that isn't a bad thing it is good..who am i to hold him back.

i can't talk about the shit in my head. no one can handle it, they just can't. i hate however that it slips out and it is litterally like making yourself run a lap to hold onto my sanity at times. it is a physical fight, n ot mental.

thesee are ppictures from the cruise. it was very much needed, but i had extreme panic attacks the night before coming to port. it was awful. the panic attacks have been intense lately and they are every morning...i hate sleeping..because you always have to wake up