so i think and think what am i doing wrong, it seems i am doing something wrong, no matter what I am the one that has the problem and therefore i must be the one doing it wrong. i can't stay positive, i can't enjoy something easy like a cruise, i loook at my daughters and see only how i have fucked up, my husband clearly wants nothing to do with me, even workmans comp thinks it is me...i mean obviously it must be me, all normal people go through shootings very well, in fact they do things to help others from their tragedy...in fact how selfish...it wasn't my tragedy it was larry's, brandon's, their families and the children's so get the fuck over it already. i would, i would if people still didn't look at me weird or knowlingly expect to keep the conversation away from anythinng to do with the shooting...but inevitably they ask, what do you do...i try to steer away..it embarasses my family now
and so ittakes 2, 2 completely different people although we are one. i expect all these episodes i am having have to do with trying to get rid of one and ignore it...the one with the memories, the scared one, the fucked up can't get it straight one, the one that my family hates, my husband says embarasses him, the one my 11 year old cries for.
i have to work hard for that other one, she is holding herself up, her family and the dead one that isn't so dead...i suppose just sick. it is a lot for her i know, i can feel it. i have to figure out a way to help her deal with problems because she isn't supposed to have any, she isn't supposed to deal with them.
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It's hard when you feel like you should be happy or excited or having fun, but you feel none of those feelings. Then you put up the front, that facade, to hide your true feelings because they are ugly and you don't think that anyone wants to know about them. Been there. Still do that, although I try real hard not to anymore.
ReplyDeleteThe problem with hiding your true self is that it kills a piece of you everytime the facade goes up. It continues to feed that belief that no one really wants to know you. And that hurts.
Personally, I like the happy Dawn and the depressed Dawn--how you feel and what you talk about don't make me like you any less. Instead, sharing yourself makes me feel closer to you, because I can, in fact, relate on some level. You are not alone, Dawn. You. are. not. alone.