a minute...

something i have learned...hmmm that means mastery doesn't it...am aware of and tyring to practice is the idea that to every evil there is a good. this might sound backwards, but trust me it isn't. i started down a very black and bleak road understandably i would hope...but couldn't seem to deviate from it. in fact i knew that it existed but matter of factly stated that i was ignoring it. i tried that dr laura thing...put your marriage and kids first...focus....but under it all was torture. it still is, but somewhere...at some point a bit of the black turned to grey. i am not saying its all good...things happen like your termination letter, your workmans comp provider saying your issues are your issues we aren't paying for anything, etc., and it sets me back. to a point where i barely function again and it takes all i have to get my children to school, fed diapered..screw a shower...who is going to see me anyway? but my point is this...i realize that with those negative things come positive things. with my baby being sick and not sleeping...hey i am home and don't have to create an emergency sub plan, my house is under construction my baby can't take naps from the banging...but i am going to have a normal looking house...long coming...and that makes my husband happy, who is in a full time job...his first what i call office job, a move because of the shooting, and doing super! i have to admit he is amazing. actually i knew he would be, he has been at his job and in the industry too long to suck...he is also too intelligent to truly fail...he just enjoys being lazy. so yes, i have to work at finding the good everyday, but it is something i find myself trying to do more often and wanting to stay focused there as long as possible.

a happy moment

my happy moments are far a few between. trust me i have a ton of people telling me constantly all that i have to be thankful for and when i am in the middle of one of my "episodes" as we call them...and they are frequent...though not like last fall...and though they can last days...i do in the middle stop to think of my family...they are beautiful, healthy, and loving...bottom line...good things happen everyday, i just am one of those people who really has to focus on the one or several that did...it is an actual action for me and i hope someday a reaction, an instinct...anyway today the housekeepers came. now i realize you are going to hear me bitching about money..no job...being on disability etc., and wondering...a housekeeper??? well hold on now...I have never ever had one...for years i worked, took care of the kids, mowed the lawn, paid the bills, did the car pool thing and still had the bacon frying in the pan...i felt complete guilt having someone do what i could..but funny enough i couldn't...i couldn't get on top of the cleaning and all i could see was depressing yucky unclean fog....but then this lady, maribelle and her crew of 3 came and in literally 3 hours...95 dollars later...i have that smell...like the one you love when you walk into your hotel room and know someone magically made your bed and cleaned your shower? it is here and i love it. housekeepers are gods gift to mothers...if a man wanted to truly do something kind for his wife..he would hire a housekeeper and not let her in on it...she would tell him no..etc, etc., but secretly when she came home and saw? she would smile and it wouldn't go away!!! it is just like me now!!!! so here is a bit of happiness, because trust me..the dark side is powerful around here and my silly light saber isn't working..silly metaphor but whatever...this is my journal!!!!!!

how do you think of titles?

so far this thing seems cool. i am concerned about someone coming after me if i make "reference" to or even my job repercussions. bascially the way my job works at this point god only knows. there should also be the disclaimer that while yes i am an english major i look at email and blogging as normal, stream of line, talk...so any grammer issues...do not log on again...i am not editing for anyone at this time. god knows i have edited many a students paper in my day and when i need to send that "important" letter i will edit!...

i had lunch with a good friend today and talked about my kids, of whom i am extremely worried about the effects of my PTSD on...and have been since the beginning...the bottom line? I have amazing daughters. They are strong, kind, polite, messy, but have good hearts and through this whole thing are trying to come to terms with who they are. an example...they supported the transgender student in my classroom. i liken this to what women have as a sisterhood...we support each other in times of need..you would think or that is what i have taught them, and we looked at my student as having a need and supported him. my oldest who is 17 is very upset and opinionated on her beliefs for the shooters sentence however. this shocks me. i figured that a young person would understand and relate somehow to what ever he was going through at the time, however, her sole arguement is he made a choice, he knew what he was doing. me on the other hand, amid the evil i see posted regularly on him, can't help but see the broader picture. Most of the students I taught had these kind of back grounds and the administration and district often believed as did i it was enough for that kid to show up at school somedays. I think of what goes on at home before my kids make it to school and find myself crying that they pull it off to sit in class, have a teacher belittle them for not having exactly what they asked for, etc., and then continue on with their day. How many teachers know their students are coming to school with a parent in a psch hospital for suicidal tendancies? very few is my guess. I don't want to seem negative to teachers ever...i am one or should i say thanks to HUENSD, "WAS" one, and know what they are up against everyday. I know we are expected to fix what others don't want to, won't or can't and then oh yes...MEET THE F-N standards!!! does anybody really want to comment on standards when I have seen what i have seen? even the teachers union disgusts me. I pay them or did...$100 bucks a month....is any teacher or student safer in their class at HUENSD? no..nothing has been done...nothing was done...nothing will be done because i am a nobody...easily chucked to the side and every teacher who would piss their pants at the sound of a siren at that school wont say boo...because they are afraid they will lose their job just like me...and "TENURED" teacher! all i heard was no one will fire you...you watched a murder in your classroom...really? want to see the "boards" letter notifying me that i was "terminated"...oh wait...in fairness on the 39 mo. re-hire list...this after watching english teacher after english teacher lose their job each year...RIGHT!!! it will be there when i need it? sure....and who is to say i can even get back there? well according to the HUENSD and thier wonderful workman's comp. provider SCRMA...I AM HEALED!!!!! any medical issues or pchy issues i have had...those were mine prior to watching the murder...sorry...deal with it!

I like to vent...whether or not anyone can or does read this..who knows....i have no clue how this works...but maybe someday...i will get feed back...real feedback...not the crap I have gotten since the shooting. People you need to know..."THEY" don't give a shit about your child and their saftey, bottom line it is money..the school is a business and they trade lives for dollars everyday...maybe someday someone with their own money will care and make a difference. I was a teacher...lord knows I couldn't afford to lose my job, but lord knows i didn't ever intend to be gunned out of it either.

a beginning

so i am giving this a whirl. i have tried everything else it seems, at least the traditional means. on february 12, 2007 a student shot and murdered another one in my classroom with myself and 20 some other students watching. what i have learned since that time is that nothing can prepare you to live and deal with the effects of a tragedy like that, nothing. i realize people look at the young man who died and his family as the victims and they are, truly they are, i would never suppose to imagine or try to say i understand. however, there were others in that room and their lives have been deeply affected. Other faculty at the school were adversly affected and are still seeking treatment for the effects of that day, although none want to talk about it, and the district has managed to "terminate" my job and place me on a "re-hire" list...any teachers in ventura county see the crap in that? I also believe that the workmans comp. system is set up to hurt, belittle, and torture anyone unlucky enough to have to try and use it. The teachers union? they have managed to tell me "take care of yourself" and then turn their back and say there is nothing we can do when my job is gone... oh and yes there is still the trial! that has been an eye opener and that is the criminal, my civil is still coming! so, my dr., the only good thing workmans comp gave me suggested blogging. he too sees the way the victims are victimized, forgotten, and tossed aside. simply what has been done is nothing and personally i believe it will happen again, in that very district because they have learned nothing from the incident. they have done nothing to improve the saftey of either teacher or student, but hey...i bet they balanced their budget!