what do i have in common with the matrix?

so here it is...i am in a world where things happen, i am there to see it, sometimes i actually feel things when doing them, and then there is this other world where things happen and i don't feel anything. they are the same place, they take up the same space and time, but when and if i am in one vs the other who knows. i don't like feeling anything. i don't even like to feel good things...negative nancy my family calls me...i realize though...with good feelings will come bad. there is always an equal and opposite reaction to every action...right? i know how awful for my family to have to deal with this attitude huh? trust me...i cry everyday over what they are going through...hence I do the shopping,drive, go to gymboree, listen when they talk, but i am not really there. i force a smile and try with everything to show interest for them.

i am dying inside over losing my job, my world, my classroom. i need to get my stuff out but i can't go there. i can't. i have things that i want, pictures, cards, that my family has given me...silly things you know...i am not brave enough to go get them. i am so scared right now.

this blog thing is hard for me. i don't know if i panic from having been in a computer lab the day of the shooting or if it is i am just scared . i don't look at comments because i am scared. scared that yes my problem is here and people feel bad but the reality is i have to fix it and i don't know if i can.

i want to leave so often. to go away and stop hurting those around me. and then i think of the hurt my daughters would feel from the loss...and today i realized that is what i have been dealing with too...a loss...obviously the job, my friends, my family, etc., etc., but the black and white of the loss is a life was lost in front of me...it is gone, he can't wear makeup anymore...so fuck everyone who had the issue...he can't do it now...so your problem is solved...and the other one? he won't sit in a class and do nothing anymore to annoy anybody...lets continue focusing on what is important...budgets, test scores, and tucking in shirts.

i am hurt i wasn't even invited to what i used to be a part of. i guess i am realizing i thought more of myself than i should have. my mother warned me about that. she taught me early..."what makes you think anyone is looking at you or is concerned with you?"...