a second

the past few days have been busy and somewhat yucky, hence my silence. it is times like this that i don't want people to know how i feel. the saddness is so overwhelming that nothing makes it better and people get frustrated, you know..."get over it already?" i have learned that not saying anything helps others. i saw Brandon at court. he was in a cage with a ton of other adult bad guys. the courtroom was full of lawyers, prosecuters, family, a mess. it was confusing and disorderly, in fact if you saw it you would think someone would get fired, it doesn't look very professional at all. he smiled at jill and i. i couldn't help thinking who is there for him? just like a teacher would...and then i realized i am not a teacher anymore and probably will never be again. i don't think i can be anything actually. when you are at the mercy of several systems you tend to listen to what they tell you, when you can't get your brain going you let others fill it, it seems i agree with what alot of them are saying.

my cruise is in a less than 2 weeks and i can't get a birth certificate or a passport. oh well. maybe my daughter can go in my place. she deserves it. tim said we wouldn't have a good time anyway. if i didn't go it ups the percentage of a good time.

i keep telling people things and nobody listens, or rather noone wants to help really. so i have stopped talking.