ending on a beginning

everyday i want to be happy. everyday i set out to have a good day and then it seems things start to windup..winddown..however you want to look at it and i can't get my bearings to re-start. it is this simple thing that has changed my world so greatly. i wouldn't dream of quitting, giving up or in, or letting things just go. in my effort to accept that i have no control i have essentially given up the idea of ever holding on, directing or being in charge. i think this is what disappoints my family the most. they are used to a leader, a go getter, and doer, a maker, i have become such the opposite that they are frightened and scared. well today here is what i did that might not sound like much but is...i went to a movie with my sister. i didn't care about i had to leave the 2 year old with the 12 year old, that tim wasn't home just yet, that i hadn't made dinner, anything of that nature. i just went and saw a movie stuffed my face with popcorn and candy and laughed. this doesn't mean i am not having those "thoughts", i want to do it with my husband and family...see a movie...etc., etc., but it is a start to beginning things on my own. i want to be strong again, dependable, the rock, the corner, a wife, a mother, a person. i am going to do this somehow. i will show my husband that i am the woman he loves and always willl, i will show my daughters that i am a mother and a good one. i will.

a while

so it has been awhile. i figure if i don't look at these things, answer emails, get the mail, nothing bad will happen. wrong. tim can't take it...me anymore. i figured. i know. the hard part is now i have no one....really. i had him...barely, but he says he is sleeping on the couch and only talk to hm with something nice. i know come on you have to have something nice right? i do!!! tons!!! but he doen'st want that either because it leads to bad he says. i can't blame him, no one can, no one has dealt with this like he has. the kids yes...but to my credit...i pull it off...i have too. i am a mom...case in point...think of the last time you were throwing up....did you get to stay in bed? nope. i threw up with a toddler jumping on my back. i had diarreah...remember this is a blog...in a pbulic place...it wasn't the kind i could stop...i had to grab the baby shove her in the car seat, grab a diaper...thank god i had that, and ride the 20 minutes home from westlake, crying and humiliated. no i don't get a man's world where someone takes care of me or has or will, i didn't sighn up for it, but i wouldl like some one to be nice when they get it from me. just nice.

so what do i do? make myself happy they say..how???all i have asked for is time with my husband and that isn't oging to happen. i want this stupid trial over, that isn't going to happen i want a job...that is n't likely....i don't know...how to make myself happy...butdoing what everyone says is'nt easy with a 2 year old and no husband...so again, i am knocked back.