ending on a beginning

everyday i want to be happy. everyday i set out to have a good day and then it seems things start to windup..winddown..however you want to look at it and i can't get my bearings to re-start. it is this simple thing that has changed my world so greatly. i wouldn't dream of quitting, giving up or in, or letting things just go. in my effort to accept that i have no control i have essentially given up the idea of ever holding on, directing or being in charge. i think this is what disappoints my family the most. they are used to a leader, a go getter, and doer, a maker, i have become such the opposite that they are frightened and scared. well today here is what i did that might not sound like much but is...i went to a movie with my sister. i didn't care about i had to leave the 2 year old with the 12 year old, that tim wasn't home just yet, that i hadn't made dinner, anything of that nature. i just went and saw a movie stuffed my face with popcorn and candy and laughed. this doesn't mean i am not having those "thoughts", i want to do it with my husband and family...see a movie...etc., etc., but it is a start to beginning things on my own. i want to be strong again, dependable, the rock, the corner, a wife, a mother, a person. i am going to do this somehow. i will show my husband that i am the woman he loves and always willl, i will show my daughters that i am a mother and a good one. i will.

a while

so it has been awhile. i figure if i don't look at these things, answer emails, get the mail, nothing bad will happen. wrong. tim can't take it...me anymore. i figured. i know. the hard part is now i have no one....really. i had him...barely, but he says he is sleeping on the couch and only talk to hm with something nice. i know come on you have to have something nice right? i do!!! tons!!! but he doen'st want that either because it leads to bad he says. i can't blame him, no one can, no one has dealt with this like he has. the kids yes...but to my credit...i pull it off...i have too. i am a mom...case in point...think of the last time you were throwing up....did you get to stay in bed? nope. i threw up with a toddler jumping on my back. i had diarreah...remember this is a blog...in a pbulic place...it wasn't the kind i could stop...i had to grab the baby shove her in the car seat, grab a diaper...thank god i had that, and ride the 20 minutes home from westlake, crying and humiliated. no i don't get a man's world where someone takes care of me or has or will, i didn't sighn up for it, but i wouldl like some one to be nice when they get it from me. just nice.

so what do i do? make myself happy they say..how???all i have asked for is time with my husband and that isn't oging to happen. i want this stupid trial over, that isn't going to happen i want a job...that is n't likely....i don't know...how to make myself happy...butdoing what everyone says is'nt easy with a 2 year old and no husband...so again, i am knocked back.

hanging in there

i know i have said it, i know people pretend to listen, but i wish someone would hear. i am dealing with 3 different court cases because of the shooting in my class. I have to sue the workman's comp. company that the district uses because they think i am a pschyo and my issues since the shooting were mine, not theirs. I am being sued by larry's parents, funny...wasn't he in foster care? wasn't i back from maternity leave all of 3 weeks and had brandon in my class less than 2?...and lets not forget that coming up on july 8th is yet another "something" for brandon's trial. I try to hold it together and look normal during all these things...isn't that what we are supposed to do?...rememeber you don't air your personal shit...funny mine was aired for me. but i will admit, this shit fucks me up for at least a week after i hit a courtroom. i continuously feel like I am trying to prove myself as a capable, normal, person, and yet...yea this shit has me dying inside. my family can't relate andn they don't want too anymore. again, i can't begin to explain the isolation, loneliess, and frustration trying to communicate, and hold things in.

I applied for some jobs last week. that was humiliating and confusing. i can't get all my shit together...i can't figure out what i can do...i have been teaching for so long i just don't know any more what i am capable of and according to everyone i am not capable of that. i don't have anyone in my corner...no one...if they say they are they are there with a purchased ticket sitting on the edge with a foot out the door so they have no "responsiblity" or tie to me. Yep, no one would want to be in my place ever....and yet no one can even stand next to me while i am in it.

i started a facebook page. i did so to communicate more with my husband. he has long hours and doesn't seem to talk to me anymore. I did it because i am lonely. the first day i started it it wAS great. it is a funny sense of companionship. it is like you are there with them...but slowly it is setting in..you aren't and you still aren't really talking with anyone. it is all superficial crap. and as i look at parties and people...it really is all superficial crap...people just talking about memories, say yea lets do that...and they dont. i want my fucking blindfold back.
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things

i am applying for a job. one, it doesn't seem like a big deal but look at it realistically...i had a job. i keep dreading that one question...why did you leave your previous employer? i didn't they left me. i am trying one of those stupid facebook things. tim is so busy he doesn't talk about things with me. i found out more about him on that thing in a few minutes than i have in months. it is killing me but he is right...i wanted the job for stability and thank god he has it. it is an income and it does help with insurance.

i have been extremely depressed lately. i keep looking at my children thinking of how much fun their lives used to be. how i loved enjoying things with them. now i am simply scared that if i participate in someway i will ruin it all...goes for tim, but he has pretty much taken off on his own to find things that are fun. i don't blame him, that isn't a bad thing it is good..who am i to hold him back.

i can't talk about the shit in my head. no one can handle it, they just can't. i hate however that it slips out and it is litterally like making yourself run a lap to hold onto my sanity at times. it is a physical fight, n ot mental.

thesee are ppictures from the cruise. it was very much needed, but i had extreme panic attacks the night before coming to port. it was awful. the panic attacks have been intense lately and they are every morning...i hate sleeping..because you always have to wake up

up

i went and saw the movie up tonight. it was wonderful. a great kid movie with just enough adult humor to keep me interested. it is these kid movies that have me going back thinking of my oldest and seeing the lion king over 20 times at the theater because she LOVED it. I was hooked from that time on. watching your kids love movies is one of my favorite memories. i know i have said it, i love movies, but i really think it is beyond that. i love the theater and watching a movie. i have only great memories from disney studios when my dad worked there to my aunt taking me to the matinee for film festivals to remembering star wars with my dad, et with my cousins and staying at my nanas, they were always good!

so right now i am happy. i want to stay this way. i know a panic attack is coming. tomorrow is monday. i have to count hours till tim comes home, and i have to figure out how to get to friday when he is home for 2 days...unless there is work.

i have a goal this week, since watching my classroom come apart in pieces...i want to fill out one application, a full one somewhere i am just so scared as to where. i also want to begin filing my grievance with the union. too bad i cant file a greivance against the union. oh well.

we shall see

it is a mess

so i have felt the depression coming and i have been doing everything possible to stop it. my husband doesn't believe it. i ruined a friends bday party with drunken fits etc., it could have been worse but it wasn
't too bad. the bottom of this? i can't fix my marriage. this thiing is killing me inside everything i do is related to it and i have no control, but no one believes that as i was a pretty damn in control person before.

i try to give up everyday...say i wont let it get me i love my kids and husbad that is enough but it isn't. i have the evil scrma telling me they wont pay or help because i have issues that aren't related to the shooting. my husband thinks the counseling is worthless, not working and i am having sex with the therapsit. i don't talk to anyone about all my shit and it explodes to the point where i am killing everyone around me.

my head is so jumbled with things i can't get it straight. i just know i don't want to be here. i know washing dishes and clothes is onlyy worth it if my husband loves me and today he said....i don't like you anymore i don't care what you do.

my heart is breaking inside it is. it is a weight i don't want to feel. my kids? they hate me, they are embarassed by me i look at my oldest i ruined her life i simply ruined everthing. tim is right i don't see anytingn good who would want to be with someone like that? and on the other side...ihave to get the kids to their summer shit...i am compeled to do it...but i don't want tooo.......

it is a mess it is a mess it is a mess

what do i have in common with the matrix?

so here it is...i am in a world where things happen, i am there to see it, sometimes i actually feel things when doing them, and then there is this other world where things happen and i don't feel anything. they are the same place, they take up the same space and time, but when and if i am in one vs the other who knows. i don't like feeling anything. i don't even like to feel good things...negative nancy my family calls me...i realize though...with good feelings will come bad. there is always an equal and opposite reaction to every action...right? i know how awful for my family to have to deal with this attitude huh? trust me...i cry everyday over what they are going through...hence I do the shopping,drive, go to gymboree, listen when they talk, but i am not really there. i force a smile and try with everything to show interest for them.

i am dying inside over losing my job, my world, my classroom. i need to get my stuff out but i can't go there. i can't. i have things that i want, pictures, cards, that my family has given me...silly things you know...i am not brave enough to go get them. i am so scared right now.

this blog thing is hard for me. i don't know if i panic from having been in a computer lab the day of the shooting or if it is i am just scared . i don't look at comments because i am scared. scared that yes my problem is here and people feel bad but the reality is i have to fix it and i don't know if i can.

i want to leave so often. to go away and stop hurting those around me. and then i think of the hurt my daughters would feel from the loss...and today i realized that is what i have been dealing with too...a loss...obviously the job, my friends, my family, etc., etc., but the black and white of the loss is a life was lost in front of me...it is gone, he can't wear makeup anymore...so fuck everyone who had the issue...he can't do it now...so your problem is solved...and the other one? he won't sit in a class and do nothing anymore to annoy anybody...lets continue focusing on what is important...budgets, test scores, and tucking in shirts.

i am hurt i wasn't even invited to what i used to be a part of. i guess i am realizing i thought more of myself than i should have. my mother warned me about that. she taught me early..."what makes you think anyone is looking at you or is concerned with you?"...