back and forth

so today i had a workmans comp hearing. they are saying they want to settle, funny thing is i never ever wanted or had any idea about how workmans comp works, that is till they decided to say your problems are not related to watching one of your students shoot the other in the head. they being these people who sit in an office pushing paper work that are supposed to help you but really want you the hell out of the way as quickly and cheaply as possible. they being the lawyer tellingn me my future and family, my suffering is worth approximately 100 grand to them as she scoots off in her bmw 740...yeah whatever i know they don't care and the quicker i get that into my head the easier but it isn't that easy. rememb er i planned my future around my job. i planned my children's future around my job which now i am too scared to deal with, cant get my thoughts straight, feel like an outcast at my school...a bad memory...a symbol of tragedy...oh...and find a new occupation? try to find a teaching job in californina right now...just try...i believe i was wrongfully terminated and the union i have paid good money to will do nothing...we can't do anything...really? i would be in my classroom if i wasn't the teacher in the room. i have enough senority and tenure to know that! so what do i do now? just try to survive. try to relax after another court day...be it for brandon, larry's parents suing me, or stupid ass workmans comp. i feel for students and parents and teachers, the classroom isn't any safer since that shooting. nothing has been done to improve anything, education or saftey, but money has been taken away, teachers are losing their jobs, lives are still being destroyed.

it takes at least 2

so i think and think what am i doing wrong, it seems i am doing something wrong, no matter what I am the one that has the problem and therefore i must be the one doing it wrong. i can't stay positive, i can't enjoy something easy like a cruise, i loook at my daughters and see only how i have fucked up, my husband clearly wants nothing to do with me, even workmans comp thinks it is me...i mean obviously it must be me, all normal people go through shootings very well, in fact they do things to help others from their tragedy...in fact how selfish...it wasn't my tragedy it was larry's, brandon's, their families and the children's so get the fuck over it already. i would, i would if people still didn't look at me weird or knowlingly expect to keep the conversation away from anythinng to do with the shooting...but inevitably they ask, what do you do...i try to steer away..it embarasses my family now

and so ittakes 2, 2 completely different people although we are one. i expect all these episodes i am having have to do with trying to get rid of one and ignore it...the one with the memories, the scared one, the fucked up can't get it straight one, the one that my family hates, my husband says embarasses him, the one my 11 year old cries for.

i have to work hard for that other one, she is holding herself up, her family and the dead one that isn't so dead...i suppose just sick. it is a lot for her i know, i can feel it. i have to figure out a way to help her deal with problems because she isn't supposed to have any, she isn't supposed to deal with them.

today

i have this thing where i get scared to look at my computer. i am not sure why but it happens. i think it has to do with bad news. i just can't handle bad news and nothing good ever seems to come from the entities supposedly helping me...ie teacher union, unemployment, disability, workmans comp. hence why it has been so long since i have written or posted. i also dont think it truly matters...no body actually reads this anyway. i quit school my creative writing class, i stopped my application to csuci i simply have given up. trying to find a job seems impossible. how can i find a ajob when i am a teacher? that is what i do? people ask what is your dream job? duh....it was teaching hence all the work to accomplish the credential, the masters, the clad, etc., etc., sooooowhat do i do now? really?

we leave for a cuise on monday. it is my first real vacation but not with the whole family. i wish but it seems impossible with the kids. tim, kennedy and i are going. i need the break from the baaby. i can't wait!!!!!! i am a little nervous as i have this feeling it is alot like a casino, but hopefully not.

people just dont get this

i have to say i understand how people don't get me and my issues. i really do. it isn't everyday you deal with something like a murder in front of you. i know people don't get why i break down everytime i hear a siren and think it is my daughter brooke. what is worse is that i don't want anyone to ever get it so i hold it in. people say you can't hold things in, they eat at you and it comes out in bad ways...i guess that is true. my husband says so and i believe him. he has to deal with me, and then there is the me with the gun shots. i want the gun shots to go away more than anyone trust me, i want to go to a job where i sit and mindlessly input numbers or something, or a happy job where you pretend that everyone looks great in their outfits. i am terrified to return to a job where i have an outcome on futures, look what happened to larry and brandon's future. look at the children who have ended up killed and we don't know, pregnant, in a gang, homeless, strung out on drugs, i know this is the majority not minority at my old job.

i haven't written because my episodes have been very bad. my husband wants to go away and i can't blame hiim,, i would too. i just want someone to love me and tell me these awful things wont happen and then they really wont.

i didn't have a great mothers day. yes i am blessed to be a mother. i have wonderful children and that is where it should end. i got a power point from my 11 year old and several happy mothers day, it hurts when you realize you reap what you sew. i haven't sewed like a great mother and my mother's day proved it. i know the world will reap the benefits of my children in it, not because of me personally, but because of all the others who picked up my slack and there is a ton of it.

brooke is going to cif! i am so proud of her she has worked at that since 3rd grade and is having a super time her senior year i hope. she doesn't talk to me anymore really and i am scared to bother her, she just might tell me i suck as a mother. they all might, so i don't say anything, i just watch and try to keep the laundry done and food around...at least i still bring in some income.

i am hoping these stupid things start to say nice things. my dog got out today.. i truly believed i wouldn't see him again, he is tagged and chipped but he is impossible to catch. i found him and when i opened the door to the car and called he hopped in. that was a happpy thing. my friend kyle said yes i am crazy but my husband still loves me...he would have to to still be here...that actually made sense and made me smile too. langston likes tampons. not dirty ones...clean ones..trying to get that string back in the little thing amazes her! wait till she finds out what the heck they are really for!

workmans comp? not for the worker!

so this whole thing I have been going through gets more depressing when you start to think and realize the "system" that teachers, union reps, the district, said to use is actually screwing me in the ass and hard. they have been doing it since day one. I filed my claim in March as a matter of precaution, not because I thought It was necessary but since the district and union people said to i did. I got my little paper to get a general look over in april and then a request was sent on and I got to see my first workmans comp therapist in June!!! now you tell me...if I had waited for the system do you think march to june is normal for waiting to deal with your PTSD? especially since the district kept refusing to help the students who wanted counseling and I couldn't take watching it anymore and had to leave....so now...i am home...basically sitting on my bed doing nothing. well that therapist was weird!! a dr. rubienstein...he freaked me out and I called Lee Cribben...SCRMA's jewel...NOT!!! and she said please try to make it work with him. is she medically qualified? doubt it...she is great at saying you have a lawyer i can't talk to you...BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!! SHE IS A FUCKING BITCH!!!!!! sooooo moving on...after a few incindents...suicide attempts...lee and her buddies at scrma felt that the medical issues were mine and not related to watching a student blow anothers head off...HMMMMMMM these people are fabulous huh? it was then....then...that i had to get a lawyer...would i have gotten one? doubt it...i still don't even understand how all this crap works...i heard someone mention 3 years ...but had no intention of three years...when i went to go back to work I was "terminated"...so how do I ever get back to teaching? can you see the interviews now? why did you leave your last job?...what a charmer that one is going to be!!!

so today I needed a name and a address as I am supposed to send a written dispute to scrma because they in all their wisdom...these 2 drs, in nevada...decideded I am all better and don't need further treatment....hmmmi am thinking I need treatment just to deal with SCRMA at this point.

and so Lee Cribben called me saying she wouldn't give me the name or address...as this letter clearly states I need, but doesn't have the information on it..and trust me..these people will use it against you if you piss wrong....so sending the letter to the wrong person? the wrong address...they would love it...

remember good old HUENSD is represented by these people...they know all this is happening...they are the ones who said...NO JOB!!! and they really don't give a shit...neither does the union...they are hands in the air....too bad...its all in the contract.....

so whatever. i hope no one ever really needs workmans comp. i thought i did and it would help, they have made this experience more stressful, more embarrassing, and more humilating than i ever thought it could be. and people wonder why i decided to shut up...it is because no one listens and they only have their rules for me to follow...so my input isn't necessary...actually according to scrma...i am not necessary.

a second

the past few days have been busy and somewhat yucky, hence my silence. it is times like this that i don't want people to know how i feel. the saddness is so overwhelming that nothing makes it better and people get frustrated, you know..."get over it already?" i have learned that not saying anything helps others. i saw Brandon at court. he was in a cage with a ton of other adult bad guys. the courtroom was full of lawyers, prosecuters, family, a mess. it was confusing and disorderly, in fact if you saw it you would think someone would get fired, it doesn't look very professional at all. he smiled at jill and i. i couldn't help thinking who is there for him? just like a teacher would...and then i realized i am not a teacher anymore and probably will never be again. i don't think i can be anything actually. when you are at the mercy of several systems you tend to listen to what they tell you, when you can't get your brain going you let others fill it, it seems i agree with what alot of them are saying.

my cruise is in a less than 2 weeks and i can't get a birth certificate or a passport. oh well. maybe my daughter can go in my place. she deserves it. tim said we wouldn't have a good time anyway. if i didn't go it ups the percentage of a good time.

i keep telling people things and nobody listens, or rather noone wants to help really. so i have stopped talking.

a minute...

something i have learned...hmmm that means mastery doesn't it...am aware of and tyring to practice is the idea that to every evil there is a good. this might sound backwards, but trust me it isn't. i started down a very black and bleak road understandably i would hope...but couldn't seem to deviate from it. in fact i knew that it existed but matter of factly stated that i was ignoring it. i tried that dr laura thing...put your marriage and kids first...focus....but under it all was torture. it still is, but somewhere...at some point a bit of the black turned to grey. i am not saying its all good...things happen like your termination letter, your workmans comp provider saying your issues are your issues we aren't paying for anything, etc., and it sets me back. to a point where i barely function again and it takes all i have to get my children to school, fed diapered..screw a shower...who is going to see me anyway? but my point is this...i realize that with those negative things come positive things. with my baby being sick and not sleeping...hey i am home and don't have to create an emergency sub plan, my house is under construction my baby can't take naps from the banging...but i am going to have a normal looking house...long coming...and that makes my husband happy, who is in a full time job...his first what i call office job, a move because of the shooting, and doing super! i have to admit he is amazing. actually i knew he would be, he has been at his job and in the industry too long to suck...he is also too intelligent to truly fail...he just enjoys being lazy. so yes, i have to work at finding the good everyday, but it is something i find myself trying to do more often and wanting to stay focused there as long as possible.